Lesson 18: By Popular Demand – LEECHES Ewwww!

Just when you think you have everything under control, something goes terribly awry! At least it seems that way when you have the kind of field day we had day before yesterday. We were set to perform three macroinvertebrate samplings in an unknown small system and it sounded like the perfect day for us bug nerds! NOT!!!

It looks like a nice place. I won’t go into the details about what the little stream looks like for fear of breaching the wonderful relationship we have with our client….suffice it to say that…it isn’t pristine. We discussed ahead of time the fact that we would probably find icky bugs too….it is in a transitional state of development. Our job is to come in, evaluate in great detail the state of the system, make recommendations, oversee enhancement, monitor recovery, and later – enjoy that fact that we helped make it better.

We don’t expect drinkable water, park-like conditions, or fluffy conditions. We expect a certain amount of ickiness! We began our collection. Once I began fishing around,WITH MY BARE HANDS. So, without further adieu….

This Photo is for Shock Value Only

WHAT TO DO WHEN YOU SEE LEECHES

1. Make squealy noises – doesn’t affect the leeches behavior but it certainly gets out some of the squigglies!
2. Perform a mental check on tucked in-ness…did you tuck in pant legs, shirt, etc…?
3. Revisit why you do this for a living.
4. Pretend that you will know when a leech latches onto you  and starts sucking your blood (which will not happen – they first spit out an anesthesia so you will not know until TOO LATE)
5. Pretend that it won’t happen to you….ha ha ha ha ha….ha ha ha
6. Immediately think of all the horror movies you have seen about leeches!
7. Notice how small and hard to see they really are! Have you just never noticed them before?
8. Make squealy noises again – hey man – they are creepy.
9. Remember that you wore short socks and short boots…..ha ha ha – you should have seen the look on Jessica’s face!!! PRICELESS
10. Make sure you do a thorough leech check….those suckers (ha ha) can be so small!
    

    Lurking Leeches

Finally, remember to check twice,  also, check this out http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Leech for really gross and entertaining information about leeches. Like – they have two suckers, some won’t feed on blood, if taken off incorrectly, they can vomit their grossness into your bloodstream…and more fun facts!

Lesson 17 – How to Remove A Tick

You all know by now that ticks are nasty little buggers. They hang stealthily (it is so a word) on the tips of leaves waiting for warm-blooded hard workers like me and you to wander close enough that they can sink their nasty little claws onto you. Once aboard, they creep their nasty little way into the darkest reaches of your warm sweaty body where they  nibble until they find a juicy bit – then they sink their vicious head into your skin and begin to feast on your blood (yeah – I could lie but that’s what they do).

Some of you are concerned that I am a tick hater – that I am biased against these little fellas and am only helping give them a bad rap and making it hard for those who are FOR ticks. I don’t care! Ticks care nothing for their reputation or my opinion or they would dine politely on something other than my ass!

I thought it would be helpful to list a few good ways I have learned to remove them:

1. While holding a beer in one hand, heat a needle with a lighter and pierce the tick while spewing some comforting  bull crap to the victim. This piercing will cause the tick to remove head and later die. The victim will be traumatized forever unless said victim is our puppy Bella who could care less if you rub her belly.
   

   Nasty Little Buggers.....

2. If you cannot find a needle, skip the piercing and go straight for burning it. Hold the lighter close enough to heat and scare it out – be careful not to singe or totally burn up the victim – if the burning up of victim occurs – refer to first aid manual.
3. Carefully grab the tick firmly and gently twist while pulling softly. This will cause it to release its jaws and you can pull it out safely – unless of course the victim is freaking out because they don’t think that is a very good way and are wiggling.
4. Various viscous fluids can be used to smother, choke or otherwise make the damn thing let loose (oil, vaseline, rubbing alcohol, fingernail polish) This all sounds great but takes a long time – you might as well-knit the darned thing a sweater!
5. Tick Remover tool….sounds good right – ha ha – you try that one!

Whatever method you use, the victim will be grossed out, uncomfortable, and probably not happy. Be prepared with candy if under 21 or beer if over….if the victim has four legs just feed or pet it. Ticks suck….REALLY!

(((This is for entertainment purposes only – please don’t inundate me with proper tick removal methods. That is no fun)))

(((And “YES” that is a close up of a tick – don’t you hate them worse now....)))

Lesson 14: Overhead Hazards

If you thought hard hats were just for construction workers, you thought wrong! Chicks with Ticks have also been known to sport them from time to time (along with our snake boots and waders). “Why?” you might ask. Because sometimes we just plain have to. Simple as that. Some of the places we work require everyone on the property to wear a hard hat for protection against overhead hazards. No exceptions. Not even for geeky ecologists collecting data out in the middle of the woods! For awhile this perplexed us, because what kind of overhead hazards could we possibly come across in the freaking woods?? Well, it turns out there are more than you might think…. and if they exist, Jacque or I have probably encountered them! Here are some examples of pesky overhead hazards:

1) Tree limbs – I swear they just appear out of nowhere and WHACK you right in the head! And trust me, it HURTS. Hard hats definitely lesson the blow, and therefore are the #1 reason to wear a hard hat in the woods.

2) Spider webs – Have you ever walked straight into a spider web? We have, and it’s gross. Usually if you’re wearing a hard hat the stickiness (and the creepy crawly living on it) will end up there rather than all over your face.

3) Spiders, grasshoppers, ticks, etc. – While related to #2, these get their own hazard category. Think of it this way… would you rather have these things in your hair or on your hard hat? I think the answer is pretty simple.

4) Survey rods gone wild – Some field partners have been known to drop long metal rods and WHACK (see #1 above)!

5) Trips and falls – It’s a jungle out there, and even though we are careful, we do sometimes trip. Like falling off a bike with a helmet on, it’s always safer to trip over a root with a hard hat on!

6) Bird poop – Bombs away! Look out below! Does this really need an explanation?

7) Sunburns – This might be stretching it…

8) Cold weather – I know this isn’t technically an overhead hazard, but hard hats are nice for keeping your head warm on cold days (like today.. brrrrrr).

Needless to say, we have grown to embrace wearing our hard hats in the woods!

Looking sexy in hard hat and waders!

Watch out for that… pine cone!

Can’t take notes without a hard hat – it protects the brain!

Hey little gator, don’t chomp my head (unless I’m wearing a hard hat)!

Blue skies = overhead hazard?

Lesson 13 – Things that really suck – BADLY and How to Deal with Them

You know, sometimes bad things happen to good people. Yeah, I know good things happen to bad people too but this story isn’t about that, genius! Didn’t you read the heading? Anyway, I wanted to address some of the sucky things that can happen and what you can do to lessen their impact. Being an adventuring woman of the outdoors, I have recently had some pretty darned sucky things happen and I want you to know what to do so you don’t look as stupid as I did trying to take care of them.

1. Pack for all occasions. – Yes, I failed to pack long socks and wore no-show footsie socks with my snake boots. There are OH so many reasons this sucks. I looked like I had a staph infection or poison ivy on my ankles for weeks. Also, I got a stinking blister where the sand rubbed my bone. Also, feels really nasty – take an extra long pair of socks and stash them everywhere – glove box, backpack pocket, office drawer, anywhere. This will prevent you from the nasty rash and stinging blister I suffered.
2. Where a tight undershirt under a regular or over shirt. I witnessed this horrid scene….Josh looked crazy and made a weird sound or series of incoherent words of distress. I knew something was wrong and he said – “There’s a scorpion in my shirt and it stung me.” Holy crap! Those are words I never want to hear again. Sure enough, there was a very small scorpion trouncing around in Josh’s shirt. It stung him and, much to my dismay, he suffered a minor sting and no crazy things happened. I wanted there to be pus and ooze and terrors….no – just  a little sting is what he said. Too bad – makes me feel like a baby! Wear a tight under t-shirt – you can rip that over shirt off if a scorpion gets in there!
3. Gloves are for every occasion! I found this out all too well this past weekend. I got a hedge trimmer for Christmas. I have hedges (duh) and I began to trim them. They are 7+ feet tall and I was working above my shoulders and leaves were a flying….cool! UNTIL – I felt a sting in my t-shirt (and I did NOT have an undershirt on). I reached into my shirt and a GIANT green spiky caterpillar stuck onto my right hand. The damned thing stung all three of my fingers and my left boob!! The pain was such that I was immobilized on my knees weakly calling for someone to help me. My daughter and husband came out and I could hardly tell them what happened….I only whimpered for duct tape. They brought me scotch tape (which actually worked great) and I began to shakily rub tape onto my fingers to remove the hairs….it was excruciating pain. I have never felt that before – WEAR GLOVES!!!! The IO moth caterpillar is what got me – it’s nasty – you never want to feel that pain!
4. Sunscreen isn’t for babies! I have a 3-4″ scar on my face to prove this one. Of course, as a child of the 70’s we wore iodine and baby oil to get tan. My mom still cries when she looks at my face because she feels responsible – whatever! I never wore sunscreen as I surfed, hiked, biked, beached, swam and whatever – it just wasn’t cool! The basal cell carcinoma was a harmless little flesh-colored bump on my face that annoyed me – the dermatologist informed me that it was cancer and I had it removed in a HORRIBLE SURgERY!!! The doctor was amazing – they just don’t put you to sleep – they operate on you while you watch – the smell of cauterization is awful….the scar is horrid and I will probably have more later in life – sunscreen everyone always – you dog, your self, and remember your neck, hands, and everywhere!!
5. Shorts with snake boots. There are times when fashion is crap! I have to tell you that there are many place where you should wear shorts with your snake boots. I know – you are saying, “But Jacque, that just doesn’t look or sound right!” Who cares! You can feel all the little creepy crawlies coming up before they get into your nether regions! Plus – you have on snake boots so are protected!! Just consider it! I think it looks rather sexy!

I am not going on further – I think you get the picture. Protection is important. When you leave the safety of the home or office – you must consider what you might encounter – whether it’s in the garden, or in the swamp – you should take a moment to make sure you have what you need to enjoy it safely. Also, having some extra provisions in extra spots ensures that you will be better prepared should you make a mistake and forget a key element. Take good care of yourself out there – You can GO ANYWHERE – but just go safely!

Our Namesake

Jacque was covered in ticks at Blues Creek!

Ticks are nasty little buggers. Actually, they are arachnids, not bugs at all, with eight creepy little legs. Some ticks are bigger than others — seed ticks are teeny tiny, while deer ticks are a little bigger. They all make us cringe!

Sometimes we discover ticks on us while we’re in the field, which is preferred because that usually means we’ve found them before they’ve had time to imbed themselves into our bodies! Every so often though, a few hours after leaving the woods (or even a day or two later) we’ll feel a little itch… and there it is, a damn tick! How did we miss it?? We always do a tick check, afterall! Those things are just plain devious.

Last time I found a tick on me, I was driving to work and felt something on my head… it was an imbedded tick! I pulled it out immediately! I know they say to light a match on its butt or use nail polish and this and that, but after all these years of getting ticks, I’ve found all of that to be a major pain. The first time I was covered in ticks was after a visit to Ocala National Forest (that place is wrought with them). I immediately went to the doctor, and this is what he told me: 1) It’s rare to get Lyme disease in Florida. 2) A tick has to be imbedded for at least 24 hours to transfer the disease. 3) There is no way to actually test for Lyme disease, it’s just based off of symptoms (flu-like ones such as dizziness, headaches, fever, sore throat, joint pain) and the level of probability that you could have contracted the disease based on answers to a questionnaire.

So I was sent home, Lyme disease free (supposedly!). Ever since then, I haven’t worried too much about it and have learned to embrace being a CHICK WITH TICKS!!

Lesson 8 – How to Use a Machete (or not)

You know, some of you are saying, “Jacque, we know how to swing a machete!” Well, I seriously doubt it. I am not trying to be rude. I just know what I used to believe….that I could swing a machete. I also used to believe that, in the movies, that ringing noise that people made chopping things with a machete was a foley sound….NOPE! That’s the sound of chopping properly with a machete.

That’s right. You haven’t been doing it right unless you hear that RING when you flick the tip of the machete through some vines (or your finger John). The rest of the machete is for hacking or chopping wood….not swinging like Indiana Jones through the jungle. So, here are some helpful pointers on machetes and their uses (or not uses).

It's a jungle out there - iStock photo

1. A dull machete is a piece of useless metal. The only thing you can do with it is hurt yourself or embarrass yourself.
2. A sharp machete in the wrong hands is a useless piece of metal (and you know the rest….)
3. If you are going into deep thickets, a machete can save you a lot of scratches (or be a pain in the arse!)
4. Carrying a machete around in the wilderness with all that other crap is a BAD idea. You will either…..you know!
5. Most small shrubs and trees have branches that can be snapped off easier than hacking poorly with a bad machete.
6. Machetes are not the best tool for woody vines….fire is best for that, or giant rabbits, or magic! Nothing else seems to work for us.
7. Machete holsters are stupid and so are you for trying to pretend like you know how to use one….get a real one that straps to your leg and your belt….otherwise – there is a distinct possibility that you will trip and stab yourself with that blade….sounds fun huh!
8. A sharp machete will cut fingers….right John!! If I tell you to be careful and that I just sharpened the machetes, I probably did and you probably should!! lol luckily we all know first aid!
9. Rubbing oil on your machete will keep it from rusting – WD40 works too….this is serious….rub it carefully!
10. You can probably put the machete down and do what we do – stop almost stabbing yourself, cutting your coworkers in your swing radius, and just MOVE THE CRAP OUT OF YOUR WAY!!! We have saved countless hours, many serious injuries, and maybe even a life but doing completely away with using it in the field. And, yes, we survey! We use a total station and have found that using our hands to move only what is necessary is much more effective and efficient….TRUST ME – we have done hundreds of surveys in extreme conditions….it works!

Machetes are still in our truck. We like to see who grabs one when we take them in the field – this is how we gauge new field partners. For those of you who have worked with us and grabbed a machete thinking that’s what we would do – we still love you but you need some more time in the forest and swamps! Chicks with Ticks Go Anywhere – without machetes!!

Nice clothes!

Eric, the supportive husband!

Eric, Zelda, and I are proud to show off our new CWT tshirts, since we’ve all experienced having a tick at one time or another!! CRINGE!!

My new favorite shirt!

I hope everyone is ready for turkey day. I know we are!

Zelda, the happy Beagle!

Lesson 6 – Mud – Yeah, mud for god’s sake!

Well, it wouldn’t be a day in the field without mud. Yeah! Mud comes into our lives and really never leaves. Somehow, it gets into all the cracks and crevices, seeps into socks and pockets, and probably gets places we don’t really want to talk about here but we will! So here are some handy-dandy tips for what to do if you find yourself about to enter, covered with, or full of MUD!!

1. There are different grades of mud. Muddy water is NOT mud – mud sticks to you, clings to everything and usually smells terrible. Anything else is NOT mud but a rather poor substitute.
2. When you are going to be in mud that is crotch deep, make sure you have on tight underwear. The very thought of mud going into THOSE places is disgusting…..!
3. Mud may be good for your skin IF IT COMES FROM THE DEAD SEA – not if it comes from hog infested Florida swamps or chemical infected dirty urban water.
4. You don’t want to know what’s in that mud! Trust me….don’t even think about it.
5. White stuff that looks like mud is not mud – it’s worse – it’s bullshit. It won’t come out of anything and will ruin your perfectly good snake boots that you learned to buy in a previous lesson – stay away if you can. Like us, if you can’t stay away, rinse your boots well. If, like us, you don’t rinse your boots well and the zippers don’t work – SHUT UP – you could have rinsed your boots!
   

   Muddingtons!!

6. Not sure how deep that mud/bog is? THAT’S WHY THEY CALL THEM STICKS – DUH!! If you haven’t learned that by now – you obviously skipped previous lessons to read this crap!
7. If your yard stick goes in and does not hit bottom, consider where the bottom is….!!!
8. If you happen to think of wearing booted waders in deep, sticky mud – THINK AGAIN!! You will hate yourself when it’s all over! Trust me on this one. You will never get where you need to go without crawling on top of that friggin mud in those hot waders!!
9. Mud can be sneaky. You may have on seven layers of protection from mud – when you take off those new socks – they will be black with mud! If you were smart – you would have listened to Chapter 1 – socks can be worn for days or even weeks – then tossed. MUD is why!
10. You are thinking, “Jacque, what if I fall down in the mud and can’t get up?” Too f-ing bad – you need to turn over once you stop laughing at yourself and crawl until you can get up!

I hope these little tips have been helpful. I have a lot of experience in and around mud. If you get stuck (no pun intended) and need advice – feel free to comment….!