Tut tut Pooh, looks like rain

Well, there you all are wondering what the hell is going on. You’re probably saying, “Jacque, we almost gave up on you. What’s going on?” I’m here. I always have been. But the truth of the matter is just this simple – HEY _ I’M A REAL LIVE PERSON AND LIFE GIVES YOU LEMONS SOMETIMES.

Good news is, I know the recipe for lemonade – I also know how to stick lemons in my bra so it makes my boobs look bigger, or how to squeeze those lemons in the faces of my enemies! So, here we go.

It all starts with a problem. Of course, as a scientisty type gal, I usually love this part – it’s the part where I get to be creative, intuitive, intelligent, heroic, and cool. But this time – not so much. You see, I like problems that have solutions. It seems that, so far as I know, the problems life can throw don’t always have solutions. Sometimes you just gotta ride the thing out, take the hits, and walk away with the bruises and wisdom that you’re made of some pretty tough stuff.

So I wanted to share with anyone (I’m sure we all know someone like this) who is having a life problem that seems to have no solution and no end in sight.

1. Be a man (well, not literally, but figuratively – we know women are stronger lol)
2. Once the crisis is over – it won’t hurt so much – if it does, you are probably fooling yourself and it’s not quite over – brace yourself
3. There are legal ways to make people disappear – seriously – of course they all involve lots of money but hey – you never know right
4. Not everything is your fault – even if other people say so – what the heck do they know anyway
5. Yoga – Yogi – or YoYo – any one of these three things will either relax you, screw with your mind, confuse you until you forget your problems, totally baffle you, or keep you entertained until the damned string gets all wonky and it won’t go up and down like it used to and the problem passes
6. Think of worse things that have happened – unless of course this makes you feel worse – in that case – refer to number 6
7. Ask for help or support – you’re really not alone. Well, you can always email or message me if you are alone and I will apologize for number 7
8. Break the problem up into smaller problems – I know this sounds crazy, but once you do this – some of the smaller ones become solvable and then the main problem smaller – this is a trick I learned from being in the wilds so long….then you can always ignore the leftover problem – leave it for someone else to solve when they take over your job lol
9. Deny there is a problem – Oh, no, this won’t help but it does delay the inevitable…refer to number 6 again
10. Suck it up Buttercup – best advice ever from my dear Mr. Jeff Davis – all time champion of telling it like it is

So, I know this might not solve all the problems, that’s not my job lol. That’s your job….and believe it not, rule number 10 is the quickest way to get through it – of course, number 6 is still my all time favorite.

If you want, print this list out and post it near the copier, engine of your old car, laundry room, Dr. office, dramatic family member’s Facebook – or wherever you think it will do the most good…..of course, as always – One last resort – go outside, take a deep breath, Hey sucker – you’re alive!

Lesson 11 – What to do When Things Get in Your Pants (yes – in your pants)

I know, I know, you are already freaking out and saying, “But Jacque, how would things get in my pants?” Stop! Trust me on this one, they will. Bad part is, all sorts of things will get in your pants that you don’t even realize are there until it’s far too late! I have compiled a list of Those Things Which Will Definitely Get In Your Pants – and ways you might deal with them when they happen. It is not, by any means, a complete list. The possibilities are quite endless as are the solutions to said things in your pants problem.

As with all Chicks with Ticks manual entries, we are not responsible if you neglect to follow our suggestions. We would, however, like to hear what happens when you don’t!

 Things Which Will Definitely Get In Your Pants – and ways you might deal with them

• Very spiky seeds – simple, reach into your drawers and pick them out when they occur. Please take a good look to make sure these “seeds” don’t have 8 legs!
• Ants – these little f-ers sneak into all sorts of cracks. Even tucking your pant legs is no guarantee….just grab the section of pants they are in and squish. There is a side note here – if these are carpenter ants – take off your damn pants! You don’t want that kind of bite down there! I don’t care if anyone can see you – screw them – they don’t have carpenter ants in their pants.
• Chiggers – duh – everyone seems to know about chiggers. Sad thing is – i didn’t until last year – and it sucked….there is nothing you can do, trust me. You will suffer for a week or two – trust me.
• Weeds – All sorts of weeds will get in there. Mostly you won’t notice these until you go to a real inside bathroom or undress. No big whoop – just dump them out. Remember to wash your hands!
• Beetles – Hell yes they do!! No matter what you say, I know this from personal experience. I also don’t appreciate the fact that Kiran wouldn’t help me take off my friggin pants. I didn’t care that we were on a bridge! That was gross….I still get a chill…it was a big beetle. TAKE OFF YOUR PANTS…get assistance if you can – I freaked out and couldn’t even get my zipper down.
• Giant Water Beetles – these are VERY different from standard beetles. These have a most horrible sting. Too late if they sting you – better do whatever you can to get them out of there.
• Sticks – I still have no idea how the hell sticks get in my pants…..I really don’t know what to say about this one….just get them out.

Special note: When you go to a gas station after being in the field all day, and sit down to go potty, if you realize that all those stings and itches on your behind were from the ants mentioned above, DO NOT SCREAM OUT LOUD – people in line will stare and it is quite embarrassing….and Kiran will tease you for years.