In the Event of a Plants vs. Zombie Attack……

That’s right….I have been watching the guys play Plants vs. Zombies on the Xbox. “But Jacque, why aren’t you playing,” you might ask….BECAUSE I CAN’T SEEM TO FIGURE OUT THE BUTTONS. I get all excited and end up spending my 5 minutes of combat looking at my cactus feet or the zombot.

But, what it got me thinking was this – WHAT PLANTS WOULD I WANT WITH ME IN THE EVENT OF A ZOMBIE APOCOLYPSE? So, here it goes, the yummy wild things you could find in the nearest woods….while not accidently eating something that will zombify you.

Do not eat wild plants unknown!

***CAUTION***

This article is for entertainment – please do not consume any wild plants without proper knowledge or experience. This can prove to be dangerous and even fatal. Some plants must be prepared in a particular manner prior to consumption. I want to tell you funny stories – not how to harvest them. See above reference!!!

Once upon a time, Kristen listened to John and ate the tender tips of a smilax vine. Most people call it a oh SH*T vine – it’s light green and has horrible thorns….but you can eat the tender tips of the vines. It appears that not everyone should do this – ended in well – the RUNS.

Smilax

Palmetto bushes seem tough and rough – but you can actually pull out the middle new growth shoot and chew on the bottoms…..only trouble – it’s hell getting them out!

Blackberries are yummy if you want stained teeth and seeds for days….if you rubbed them on your teeth you might actually pass for a zombie.

Wild blueberries of any kind are delicious when RIPE….early morning dew and some warm sunshine make for a very nice start to the day. Remember to leave some for the wildlife.

Palmetto

 Florida has an abundance of wild citrus. Even in the most remote areas you might find a tree or two in a stand of oaks – caution – have Josh Raysin cut and taste first….lol! This will save you from having the nastiest taste in your mouth. Not all wild citrus tastes like sunshine. They taste like….well – ask Josh!!

There are so many more….but this should get you through the first night of total horror! It appears that zombies don’t eat plants. So, you should be able to fill the belly.

When the zombies attack, it is my recent experience that you should grab your pea Gatlin gun (classic of course) and be the berry shooting pea shooter and go for it! The Zombies don’t have a chance….!

As always – don’t ever eat or drink anything that you are not absolutely familiar with. If you want to see what might happen – you can search Tracy Layton’s camping video on YouTube. He’s is a very experienced wild eater and his latest venture went VERY wrong….it’s entertainment and teaching from poor example at its best. A dear friend almost got into a serious situation from consuming wild plants.

A MUST SEE!!!!

 

Lesson 3 – How to cross a flooded creek or – I think the truck is floating!

Yes – that’s right, sometimes you have to go where no man or Chick with Ticks has ever gone before. And, out in the woods, there isn’t always a path. Oh sometimes you get a path but there is something that makes using it a bit challenging…like a creek…in the wet season…in the Florida swamp! Well, Chicks with Ticks don’t let that stop them. No!

In the event that you find your path heading straight across water “of an unknown depth” (a popular safety meeting topic line), you should probably know a few things before you try to cross it.

Question 1 is obvious,

1. Have you done this before? If the answer to this is no – DON’T DO IT! (although you might still) If yes, continue to question two.
2. Is your vehicle four-wheel drive? If not – DON’T DO IT! If yes, proceed to the next question.
3. How deep is the water? Now, there’s only one way to find out for sure. Oh, you may see a gauge with numbers on it – I wouldn’t rely on that one totally. You have to get out, grab a stick or pole (trusty yard stick works every time). Walk back and forth across the path until YOU COMPLETELY HAVE AN IDEA OF THE ENTIRE PATH’S DEPTH. “Jacque, why are you shouting at us?”, you might say. Well, I happen to have a lot of experience in doing it both right and not so perfectly right. The important thing to note about the depth is – will it float or flood the truck? If it will – DON’T DO IT! If you are not sure – DON’T DO IT! If not – keep going….at your own risk!
   

   Testing the depth is important!! ha ha

4. What is the bottom like? If the bottom happens to be mucky, slimy, silty, organic (debris), or anything other than good old sandy dirt – DON’T DO IT (unless, of course you have done so before and are willing to suffer the possible consequences)! If it is good old sandy dirt – onward ho!
5. Are you willing to get across without stopping, chickening out, listening to squealing field partners, risk the worst case scenario (floating or flooding), and just go for it? If not – DON’T DO IT!
   

   Floating without flooding is a skill!

   If so, put steady pressure on the gas and DO NOT GUN IT. That creates ruts that other people (like these photos of Kristen and me at Colt Creek) will get stuck in. This is rude and unprofessional….it also slings a lot of mud – roll up windows. Neeexxxttt…

   

   Winching out the Wenches!

6. Did you make it? If not – hope you have a few boards, a winch (not wench), some rocks, or a friend to call, like we did. If so, congratulations, you will now want to cross every damned creek you come to and even some wet rivers! Enjoy it.

I hope you will keep in mind that safety is always first – but fun actually comes before safety so is easier to come by….combine the two and it makes everything more fun! And, we all know it is fun out there! Chicks with Ticks GO ANYWHERE!

As an added note: do not enter water that is flowing too quickly, is too deep, is filled with alligators (oh -we do that, nevermind) or otherwise poses a threat to you – a vehicle can become a death trap in water and it is no joke….please follow all safety recommendations.