You all know by now that ticks are nasty little buggers. They hang stealthily (it is so a word) on the tips of leaves waiting for warm-blooded hard workers like me and you to wander close enough that they can sink their nasty little claws onto you. Once aboard, they creep their nasty little way into the darkest reaches of your warm sweaty body where they nibble until they find a juicy bit – then they sink their vicious head into your skin and begin to feast on your blood (yeah – I could lie but that’s what they do).
Some of you are concerned that I am a tick hater – that I am biased against these little fellas and am only helping give them a bad rap and making it hard for those who are FOR ticks. I don’t care! Ticks care nothing for their reputation or my opinion or they would dine politely on something other than my ass!
I thought it would be helpful to list a few good ways I have learned to remove them:
- While holding a beer in one hand, heat a needle with a lighter and pierce the tick while spewing some comforting bull crap to the victim. This piercing will cause the tick to remove head and later die. The victim will be traumatized forever unless said victim is our puppy Bella who could care less if you rub her belly.
Nasty Little Buggers.....
- If you cannot find a needle, skip the piercing and go straight for burning it. Hold the lighter close enough to heat and scare it out – be careful not to singe or totally burn up the victim – if the burning up of victim occurs – refer to first aid manual.
- Carefully grab the tick firmly and gently twist while pulling softly. This will cause it to release its jaws and you can pull it out safely – unless of course the victim is freaking out because they don’t think that is a very good way and are wiggling.
- Various viscous fluids can be used to smother, choke or otherwise make the damn thing let loose (oil, vaseline, rubbing alcohol, fingernail polish) This all sounds great but takes a long time – you might as well-knit the darned thing a sweater!
- Tick Remover tool….sounds good right – ha ha – you try that one!
Whatever method you use, the victim will be grossed out, uncomfortable, and probably not happy. Be prepared with candy if under 21 or beer if over….if the victim has four legs just feed or pet it. Ticks suck….REALLY!
(((This is for entertainment purposes only – please don’t inundate me with proper tick removal methods. That is no fun)))
(((And “YES” that is a close up of a tick – don’t you hate them worse now....)))
Chicks With Ticks 
The poor little creatures are your namesake just looking for a meal as god designed them to do, or if you are not religious then, Right On! Give them hell. Thanks for the good advice. Many people are unsure as to what to do. How about advice how to keep them away from those dark, damp body parts?
LikeLike
Gross picture! Thanks so much for sharing that! Another way to exact revenge – especially if you find one crawling around that hasn’t latched on yet – is to grab it up with a piece of scotch tape. Fold the tape over neatly and voila! Tick tomb! And oh so satisfying.
LikeLike
You guys, I mean chicks, rock. This is a super article. What about doing leeches next?
LikeLike
I don’t know which are worse, ticks or leeches
LikeLike
I freaking hate ticks. First there’s the sensation something is crawling on you then a quick check which usually produces no results.. Then the stinging sensation from some obscure point on your body.. Then bribe a friend with one of your beers to pull it out. Bottom line… Don’t let the dog sleep in your bed during winter months.
LikeLike
I have a couple questions about method 1:
1.) How do I: hold a beer, hold a needle, and hold a lighter (to heat the needle) at the same time without having to refer to the First Aid Manual shortly after the attempt?
2.) Is there a specific brand of beer that would make this crisis, flow more smoothly?
Its all about planning! Just trying to mitigate the potential for failure!!!
LOVE YOUR POSTS! YOU CRACK ME UP!!!
LikeLike
Make friends – you have beer after all – they should flock to you! Bribe them to help you with the rest of the steps!!
LikeLike
I have a couple questions for Method 1:
1. How do you hold a beer, a needle and a lighter (to heat the needle) at the same time, without having to refer to the First Aid Manual shortly after the attempt?
2. Is there a specific brand of beer that would make this crisis…transition more smoothly?
Its all about planning in order to mitigate the potential for failure!!!! LOVE YOUR BLOG! IT CRACKS ME UP EVERYTIME!!!
LikeLike
Couple of Questions for Method 1:
1. How do you hold a beer, a needle & a lighter (to heat the needle) at the same time without avoiding having to refer to the First Aid Manual shortly after the attempt?
2. Is there a specific brand of beer that would make the transition much smoother?
Its all about planning to mitigate the potential for failure!!! LOVE YOUR POSTS, YOU CRACK ME UP EVERYTIME!!!
LikeLike
A little repetitive but here you go Nick:
Make friends – you have beer after all – they should flock to you! Bribe them to help you with the rest of the steps!!
LikeLike
Argh – so many of these blighters around here at the moment – I use the twist and pull technique but then follow a whole burning sacrifice routine to send him/her on to his/her next life hopefully as a more polite life form. I think this may mess with my kharma??
LikeLike
You know, I usually care about my Kharma – but when it comes to ticks – I will make it up somewhere else. LOL
LikeLike
darn right
LikeLike
I was tickled pink at the sight of that scrumptuous looking Bugger-cactus in your picture. Do you cultivate them yourself and if so, could you tell me what kind of manure you use, please, cause i tried raisin’ one from a pup once, but the little critter died on me!*sob*
LikeLike
You know, the last batch we tried to raise wouldn’t eat cheeseburgers…ONLY US!!!
LikeLike
Why, you should burger-train them, dear!
LikeLike
I hate ticks. As soon as I get home from hiking I take off my clothes and do a body scan for the nasty little blood suckers. Once I find one then I’m itchy all over just sure there are more lurking.
LikeLike
THanks – now I’M itching….lol
LikeLike
So far, I have only had to do this twice since moving to the south. It was a nightmare moment each time… somewhere, deep in my head, I was hearing the Psycho music playing as I held my breath and pulled… GACK! ~ Lynda
PS: Photo was a great vision right before retiring to bed last night. 😉
LikeLike
Oh, yikes! That photo is the stuff of which nightmares are made. Personally, I freak out when I see one on me or my dogs and I’ve developed the good-ol’ fingernails around it’s tiny neck technique. I’ll never forget seeing one one my dog’s chin that had apparently hit an artery – it was the size of a grape, and fell off and just laid there waggling it’s tiny legs…
LikeLike
I have a strong stomach. But removing ticks is enough to have my guts churning….thankfully I’ve only ever had to do it to a dog….
I guess we all have particular weak points…..but seeing that you’re in work which brings you into potential contact with them, I reckon a medal for bravery and endurance is in order!
LikeLike
I just call them ugly names and tell them what bad parents they are–that just ticks them off! HF
LikeLike
This is why I hate politics. From the Latin word poly, meaning many and tics = blood sucking insects.
LikeLike
When I first looked at the photo I thought it was a gardening glove being burned on a gas grill. Rather beat up glove… Tick on a grill would be a good demise as well.
LikeLike
Ohhhh that sounds fun….
LikeLike
Now there is a wee beastie that went for a walk in the ugly forest and bumped into every tree. That sucker is so going to turn up in a low budget horror
LikeLike
Yay – I love a good low budget horror flick…better yet – let’s make it ourselves…I know where all the creepy places are!!
LikeLike
Your advice on tick removal is horrible. Twisting the tick is just going to make the head break off and risk a nasty infection and burning the tick is just going to piss it off and make it throw up all the nasty things that are living inside of it into your bloodstream.
If you have a tick then get a pair of tweezers, as fine a tip as you can get, grip the little fucker as close to the skin as you can and pull it straight out in a smooth motion. Then dump it in rubbing alcohol and clean up the wound.
LikeLike
Although you seem to have had good experience (language aside), we all have done it differently on occasion with success – My kneejerk reaction was to grab and pull straight out – then clean!! Still itched like hell, and annoyed me! Thanks as always for any input – you may help one soul or another with your tips!! Keep em coming….
LikeLike